Beyond the Sword

I took a vacation from writing the novel and have escaped until after New Years' into a game of Civilization 4: Beyond the Sword. It lets off some pressure. Some. This is what's known as a cheap vacation, so cheap it's free. It's the only vacation I can afford to take right now on government disability.

I'm leading the Egyptians, because that way I don't have to worry so much about culture at the beginning. Civ teaches you that foreign relations are evil. I had to go to war with the Japanese, otherwise they'd get me. Besides I needed the space. A war of conquest and dominance just seems pragmatic. The game would have located the Japanese and two other aggressive civilizations right next to me, the Celts and the Zulus. So, I went to war with the Celts, too. Actually, the game assigned me a special quest, so I felt I had to take the challenge and declare war on the Celts.


Generally, Civ 4 and it's variants are so addicting I can only play "on vacation." Like someone who goes to Vegas, but if you can control addiction to anything that well, addictions wouldn't be the trouble that they are.

Now that I'm done with the war, I'm going to try to wrap this game up quickly, and start another one.

My niece gets married this weekend, and after that I'll finish the novel.

I realize this game's about ten-years old now. When I first began to play the very first version of Civ, I would play for 36 hours straight. I can't afford another addiction like that. 

Whiteout, Infinite Blank Pages

Physically, I'm okay, otherwise I feel awful. My cat is doing her best by sitting on my desk an licking my arm. I can see her looking at me with eyes that say, "Why aren't you playing with me?" Or she imitates me and stares off into space until I pet her. I don't feel in the mood to do anything. Writing I do because it's my job-- though I have to say I do get into the story right now. There's a fight scene in next installment that's a terrific amount of fun to visualize. But not necessarily to write.

The draft is close to being done. I think I have a mathematically credible estimate that I have between seventy and eighty pages left. That's based on what I had left at this point on the previous draft of the story, and how much I'm likely to cut, or add. That's ten or eleven weeks left to write, faster if I pick up the pace.

I'm wondering what's wrong because I have absolutely no motivation to do anything else right now. I don't anticipate any joy in anything else, and every thought I have seems to be followed by a negation. That's a warning of a depression. With every challenge, my immediate reflex thought is I can't do it.

I did finish the Carrie fan fiction last week. It got two reviews within the first few days and none since. That's not what I thought would happen when I finished. I write my blogs and I get maybe a dozen hits, if that. It's seems I'm writing for myself though that's not my intended readership.

Maybe I should just take a break from writing the novel? A week? I hate to do it at this point, so close to completion of the draft. I think my writers' group would feel down about it. I'd like to think I'm a workhorse who will keep going until the end, but maybe I need a break. I write because I too easily go insane if I don't write. Maybe I can write on other fiction ideas during that time if the motivation hits me. Though it looks like I might believe making a living writing is a secondary priority, it's actually that living is my chief concern. "Making a living" is definitely a part of that. I'm on disability, but writing is my profession, and this novel is my education. I'll take what I learn with it to other project.

I'm just shocked me how long it's taking. On the bright side, I have quite an imagination, a muse that never stops.