Lithium Deficiency

I'm not in a very good mood, and I just found out Wes Craven died.

I took the day off, didn't make any plans and still had my plans fall apart. I've had insomnia for what seems like forever. My tinnitus is back. I hear tones in my ears, a buzzing distinct from sound that comes from outside my head. It was gone for four years at least. Now my brain is running noisy again.

Maybe I shouldn't have lowered my dose of lithium. I don't feel any power surges, but other signs aren't good.

I've taken a double dose of Benedryl, and I hope I sleep soundly tonight. I hope to put a workday in tomorrow at least.

Summertime Writing Blues

I've been working my ass off in recent weeks. Every part of my day is scheduled. Someday soon, I'm going to take a day off and not schedule anything. My day centers around fiction writing. I now have the novel, which was 800 pages long in the first draft and 900 pages long in the second draft. This doesn't included aborted drafts before, between and after those to.

Monday I felt ready to give up. It was unthinkable that I'd consider it the day before. I wrote a woeful email to a friend in my writers' group saying that I couldn't have rewritten that opening chapter any better, and the group (including guest Ann Leckie) tore it up. I told him I was ready to drop the whole project after six years.

He told me: don't rewrite, cut. Go through it and just cut as much as I can, don't add anything to it until I'm finished. He also told me to quit bothering him with any thought I'm going to quit.

Since then, I've been cutting. In fact, I cut the entire first two chapters. That's after having cut a previous 8,000 word, 21 page chapter.

Ann Leckie had a story about Neil Gaiman, who was three-quarters the way finished with a novel, I don't remember which one. And looked at it and it wasn't working. He called his agent and said "It's not working at all. I can't finish. I'll have to return the advance. I'm so sorry."

His agent laughed and said, "Neil, you do this on every project. Get back to it and write."

It's well-known that every writer has a muse, but anti-muse, the voice that tells you your work is no good, has been a writers' secret for too long.

I'm meeting my deadline in January. The project is running on time.

 

My Comments are online, only not Here

I realize for months I've been making comments online, but I just don't put them in my blogs. I'm changing that as of right now. With all the time I waste online making commentary, I should get more recognition for it. So, from now on I'm taking news articles and commentary and I'm writing them here first. Then I'll either link from there to my blogs or I'll paraphrase for FB.

On a slightly different subject, I have to give my FB bio a little more detail. Mention I'm a writer, and such.

On Tuesday this week, my writers' group and I met Ann Leckie, more about that tonight.

I'm recovering from the prep for a medical procedure I had yesterday. My mind feels all stretched out. I had a headache, but with enough caffeine and enough sugar that's now turned into a hit-over-the-head high, with a minor headache I wanted to go to a Sex+ St. Louis event this afternoon, but I might just cancel due to this.  

Why My Silence?

After expanding my blogging. I've been compelled to neglect them. Why?

I have a February deadline for my novel. It's then I must hand it in to my writers' group for review. The rest of my writing time is being taken up in work that will pay. I can't divulge that one, yet. But it's far quicker done than the novel and should produce a steady, modest income. I'm tired of living on the edge, of having no breathing space in my budget. I'm tired of feeling stressed every time I spend $20, of walking my neighborhood and automatically checking out squats where I might live if I became homeless.

For the last week, I've been working from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. And I mean I schedule all my time. I've put together a work-day routine and everything I do and the time that I do it is all written out.

I do schedule days off, about one day a week, but those turn out to be just as busy. Yesterday, I borrowed my sister's truck to run essential errands. I went to four different grocery stores, the library and the drug store. This week I have a major medical test, and that's going to entail one, maybe two days off.  Not really fun.

At the end of it, I took my Dad to the barber. This meant I had to run on a tight schedule. I wrote out exactly how long it would take me to make each and every stop, and I executed it like clockwork. Ten minutes before he had to leave, he walked in the door and told me I'm very punctual. He asked me to call the next time and let him know I was actually coming, even though we arranged it. He's not used to his offspring being on time. It wouldn't have mattered if I called him. He told me he would have called me but the phones weren't working. They were both cordless and out of power. I pointed out it wouldn't have done a lot of good for me to call, then, would it?

My Dad's in his eighties now. He never rehabbed very well from his knee surgery, and he walks with great difficulty. He also has a bad ankle and his hip needs replacing, however, after watching how badly he handled knee replacement, his doctor is reluctant to do any more surgery.   

But of course I do have more flexibility in my days off than anyone with a "real" job. I just don't have any money to do anything.

My writers' group has a special event this week: one of the best SF writers is honoring us with a visit: 2013 Hugo, Nebula and Arthur C. Clark award winning writer Ann Leckie is visiting our meeting this week. I have a special reading chosen, a passage that's already been vetted by the group to see if she has any improvement to suggest above and beyond theirs.

Ms. Leckie is the creator of the Imperial Radch series. The first book, Ancillary Justice, won all the awards. Not bad for a first novel. I'm midway through it now. It's not an easy read. 

http://www.annleckie.com/

From Wikipedia

The truly odd thing for me: I knew her thirty-four years ago when she was in high school. (I was in my twenties early twenties.) She had a crush on my youngest brother!

I'm following the Ferguson protest with vexation and sadness. There was a shooting tonight. I have sympathy with both the cause and the protesters. I have friends there, David Wraith, Alaina and David Bell. Their accounts on FB says the police in Ferguson are deploying a new, heavier arsenal of weapons. Alaina describes the mace as something stronger, like "animal mace."

And now there's been a shooting. It sounds like things are going badly. I'm not going to say I hope the protesters are okay, but it sounds like they're not. I hope Ferguson dis-incorporates for this and the PD gets sued into oblivion.   

I wish I could help, but I'm penniless, car-less, and time-less on six medications with bad side effects if I can't get my doses, such as if I'm in jail. And I'm not as young as I used to be. I admire the bravery of my friends and the rest of the protesters.

And I'm under deadline, with a project that's in its sixth year. I figure I could contribute more later, when my name is, possibly, known. As they were protesting in Ferguson, I was working a 14 hour day. They're work is extremely important, but only I can write my book.